I would love to spew out something dismissive, an all encompassing "fuck it" to get my off the hook so that I don't feel I have to write this, while at the same time empowering me in my attempt to leave these worrying ways behind me.
But that just wont do. As much as I would like to walk about the town I never walk about, basking in the glow of a mind at peace, I'm just not there, and I'm scared to death. More terrorfied than I have ever been in my life.
The problem with what my problem is, is that it seems to defy all manner of analysis, all manner of diagnostic procedures. If my mind is being fiddled with by some odd disorder, stemming from my spine/neck, then what the bloody hell do I do about it? After a slew of X-Rays, MRI scans, and PET scans, not to mention over a dozen strictly hands on examinations by doctors and neurologists there is simply nothing that stands out as being even remotely amiss.
I have little faith in the medical establishment, and perhaps that's not fair in its own right, but after all these years, something this sever should have been stumbled upon, at least once. Perhaps that's naive. Perhaps there really is something wrong, and they just can't see it. But if that's the case, I'm still stuck where I am. That means I'm helpless, and I don;t much care for that idea.
I want to believe that all of this is just temporary. That my fears will be laid to rest soon, very soon. Soooooooooon.
I used to say that, allot, seven years ago, when things starting being turned upside down. It didn't help.
Actually, there quite a few things I don't say anymore, and it just occurred to me, that this list is longer than I assumed it was. I don't say "I'm lonely". I don't say "best friend" , I don't say "glorious" or " soul" anymore. I refrain from saying things like "longing" or "holding out", I certainly don't call myself a "warrior", anymore. Words like "destiny", "truth", and "deserved" don't have much time on my lips any longer. Of course, then there's "hope", which I actually make a concerted effort to refrain from saying, ever.
And "Savior".
In some cases, these are wonderful steps in the right direction, steps I perhaps should take pride in, but I can;t seem to be happy over the simple fact that I'm maturing. After all, I'm twenty three, and this should have happened years ago. Sure, I know why it failed to, but none the less I just can't be happy with it.
But in others, they merely constitute necessary evils. Steps I have taken in order to ensure I can get through the day with as much joy and fulfillment as possible. Yet, others have simply ceased to be due to the fact that I no longer find the context to use them.
I have always been so very proud of what my mind can do, of the sort of person I am. But now I find myself trying my best to ignore those old sentiments. They just hurt too much. Dwelling does me no good, and I have a nasty habit of doing just that.
So, I try not to think about it, I try not to dwell.
But if my mind is broken, then what can I do? Its a practical question, one I am asking myself as of late. Everything is harder now, even that which once came so naturally to me. So how do I hold a conversation now, how do I enjoy my hobbies now, how do I go about pursuing my dreams or earning money to live on? ect. ect.
While I have half answers for some of these many questions, none of them seem sensible, or realistic.
I feel so lost. I've never felt lost. Its almost liberating, in a way. I have come to realize just how dependent I have been on a feeling of false security. Its shameful.
I feel ashamed. At least I think I do, or maybe I just believe I should, in any case, its new for me.
I'm not grateful for half of what I should be, and I scorn less than half of what I should. I'm really not sure what I'm doing here, heh.
So, I'll just keep trying to do something, anything. I'll keep trying to make something work, though I should try harder.
Maybe I'm afraid of succeeding as well, I don't know. Maybe I'll put that in the title box, floating about up there.
Oh, right, a pretty picture.
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